The Imperfect Mother

Things immediately changed the day I saw the two stripes on the pregnancy test. Not just a blob of tissue and blood, but a baby being uniquely and wonderfully formed in my womb.

By the 22nd day - a heart beat.

I listen with a motherly smile while feeling the motherly fear of not being able to be the best for my kids.

I've never had the motivation nor the passion in anything (to this degree) except for being a mother. I was always excited with the thought of having a big family with little kids running around. And so naturally I always thought that it would be something I'd be fairly good at. But on the second day of seeing and hearing my eldest cry his lungs out - I knew I was doomed and needed all the help I can get.

I researched and read everything I could get my hands (eyes) on. I had to know everything. From childhood development, to nursing, to discipline, to the proper toys/books, to education. But apparently knowing too much only made me feel more unequipped and more in need of help.

I look at my Alab and my Ilaya and see their
observant eyes,
impressionable minds
and gentle hearts.

How will I do this? How can I actually pull this off? How do I become the perfect mother to my kids?

Even before I rise - I pray hurriedly for His hand to lead me for the day.
To help me be patient.
To help calm me when things start getting chaotic by 9 in the morning.
To help me not multi-task and focus on them instead even for just awhile.
To help me see that they are children - wanting my attention and just wanting to be close to me; to cuddle and receive love from me.

But I fail EVERYDAY.

I wrestle with the thought of being a failure before I sleep. Why did I have to snap at him? Why didn't I just listen to his request to play choo-choo? Why don't I have time to look at her eyes and just listen to her cooing? Why did I have to shout? Why didn't I love?

How will I ever pull this off?

I will try my best but I will ALWAYS fall short. And so I am realizing and slowly accepting that I will never be the perfect mother to them. The more I see and accept this - the more I see my NEED for His grace and mercy. HE is my ONLY hope in this mothering career. He is the One I hold on to for my kids and especially for myself.

I look at my Alab and my Ilaya and see their
observant eyes,
impressionable minds
and gentle hearts.

I look at them and pray that as they see my imperfections - they would eventually see & know the One to whom I pray and hold on to. May my imperfections as a Mother lead them to long and depend more on Him, who is the perfect parent, as they grow more and more independent of me.

You see there is a reason why we aren't and can't be perfect.

Happy Mothers day to me and to all the Imperfect Moms out there... Its alright if we aren't super moms :)

... and Happy Mothers day to my mommy who did all she can to survive her mothering career with us when we were crazy kids (and even now as crazy adults). I don't know how you managed and kept sane with the 5 of us. You are our hero. You did all you can in the best way you could to help us. I always tell people that I learned to persevere and survive by learning from you :) Thank you and I love you :)

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