My 'god'

From the raw pages...

July 11, 2006
Quiet time on Luke 7:36-50

If this man were a prophet, he would know who is touching him and what kind of woman she is - that she is a sinner.

...her sins, which are many, have been forgiven for she loved much; but he who is forgiven little, loves little.

...your sins have been forgiven.

...your faith has saved you; go in peace.


Most memories are still vivid. I read my past journals and saw how angry & lost I was. Even my handwriting seemed etched with anger. I manipulated. Lied. Deceived. Disobeyed. It was a time of bitterness and rebellion. I had a different picture of what was good for me. Everything had to go my way...everything was about me. No one was greater than me. I thought I had the right to live the life I wished because the world owed it to me. I was a girl in pain and yet full of pride. I used my circumstance to get pity; to be excused from the demands of life. I used it to say that I know everything and that I can control everything as well. I was my 'god'. I had all the insecurities but I made myself my 'god'.

Ironically, I was almost always active in religious activities but I never surrendered my life to Him. I actually gave talks about my so called life in retreats with an aim to make people cry, touched and awed by my life. It never was about Christ. The title of my talk was usually "How real is Christ to me" -- Christ should have been the very subject but it was all me. I got addicted to the attention. People said "you moved me", "you inspire me".. and i liked it. My gauge of a successful talk was if they said -- "you are such a strong girl". Again... no Christ.

I got what I wanted in the pretense of 'sharing Christ'. I can't believe you can actually use God to make you look good. I did it. I was the Pharisee named Simon. I invited Christ to my house for dinner and yet ---
didn't give Him water for His feet.
didn't give Him a kiss.
didn't anoint His head with oil. (Luke 7:44-46)

I just wanted Him in my house. To see Him. To have the pleasure of saying that He was in my house. To say that I ate with Him. Nothing more. Just like Simon the Pharisee -- it wasn't about Christ.

But unexpectedly, He called me by name and asked me to surrender my god and to accept Him (The God). I became the woman who knelt, wept, and washed Christ's feet with my tears. I kissed His feet and couldn't look in His eyes because of shame. I just looked at His feet - hoping that He would embrace me and say that everything was going to be alright.

But He did more than I expected.
He said,

...your sins have been forgiven.
...your faith has saved you; go in peace.

I just wanted an embrace - temporary solitude perhaps but He gave me more. He gave me life, forgiveness and peace in Him.

I still am a sinner but now I can freely look into His eyes -- seeing and accepting His love with no shame.

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